Anxiety

Anxiety, all over again. What the hell? what’s the matter with me?

 One stupid movie and one stupid song; bringing back memories, feelings and whatever other crappy sensations. Taking me out of my centered calm, I need a solution, I need closure, and I need peace of mind.

Past days of an impossible love, only desired in my mind, and that never really came to happen. He left me he left before he even had me, I gave up myself to him so completely, for nothing, or even worse, for way too little, or even more crazy, for a bunch of feelings and sorrow that lasted much more then I wanted.  

You are lonely Louis, said my friend. Your wild postings over the phone show your loneliness is speaking for itself and you’re letting it overcome you. I am not blaming you. I am only telling you this because I am your friend.

Film school, oh god film school. The moment we got back together, was the same moment that the other boy arrived. The other L, the one you chose over me and stayed with for quite some time.

I don’t blame him. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame anything, but what hell? What the hell happened for it not to work out? I don’t feel as happy as I was before I met you. Now it seems impossible for me to return to that peaceful and calm state of mind.

Victor where were you when I was 14 or 15? I needed you then, although I didn’t even know you. 
I feel lost.  I don’t know what to do next. I have returned full circle to the where this journey began. 

4 AM

I woke up at 4 am with an inhuman strength, had never felt so willing to be awake at this hour of the morning, particularly because in this night, this time I was comfortably settled in my bed under the duvet. I could not sleep after I got up, and despite wanting to rise up so much, I was a little dizzy and the few lights that were over me hurt my eyes.

I reached for my glass of water which is always beside me in the mornings on my nightstand and it just slipped out of my hand making a splash on the floor of the room, didn’t know what made that happen: weakness that came over me at the exact time of lifting the cup, or that my strength wasn’t enough and what happened just happened. As I had to walk downstairs to get more water, I decided to just make a tea. I was starving, I do not know for what reason.

This was all very weird and novelty for me. Or maybe it wasn't, maybe it was just the past repeating itself and me letting it happen once again.

August 2011

Today I was so happy to talk to my cousin Carla! She got into the Sorbonne master's program and afterwards asked me if I wanted to go with her ​​to Paris, and I said ... No! Without even thinking much.

 Then she said I could consider living in São Paulo, and I was sure that I did not want that either. And I am very happy to hear that about me, it is a certainty that I never had in my life. And it's something that I know that will not bring me concern.

For the first time in my life I can say without hesitation and without thinking twice about what I want; about what I expect. I like where I am and what I 'm doing  Years ago I would not say that about myself, and as life’s irony, years ago when I said I would go anywhere far from my town at the first opportunity, I had no invitations to flee to wherever it was .

 And today more focused and mature (maybe), I just feel good knowing that I 'm fine with what I have and where I am. Since now I’m feeling accomplished and carried, and I still have a long way to go.

The Prince

Wait, Prince Louiz. The road to true love may be barred by still many more dangers, which you alone will have to face. So arm thyself with this enchanted Shield of Virtue, and this mighty Sword of Truth, for these weapons of righteousness will triumph over evil. Thou sword of truth, fly swift and sure, that evil die and good endure! And one last gift, dear Prince, for thee. The symbol of thy royalty. A crown to wear in grace and beauty; as is thy right, and royal duty. Now come, we must hurry.

Early twenties crisis

So there I was, early twenties crisis. Something I was battling with for quite some time, at least it was how it felt like (it seemed eternal). Tears were beginning to role all over my face, ruining my mascara and my entire impeccably well done make up. And what could I do? I knew what my problem was; at least what thought that was the problem, I had no boyfriend.

“Oh my feet! How much they hurt right now”. I wore these incredibly hurtful shoes all day long, 15 inches, can you believe it? All this to impress men, and was it worth it? Not in this particularly moment I would say.

I walk to my bathroom and I think: I need to take a shower. But I’m not strong enough to take a shower; I just wanna throw myself in the bed and cry all night long for being alone up until now (and till who knows when!).

I was afraid it was depression all over again, mostly because yesterday I watched a TV program that talked just about that. And about the millions of people that suffer from this mental illness, showing statistics that said that 20 years from now having depression would be like having the flu.

Sorry, I’ve already been there, already did my time – I think. It was like just some weeks ago, I had my nervous breakdown, only work related (as hard as it might be to believe, there were no men involved with the felling that brought me my slog).

A night at the hospital being sedated, and a month of highly strong anti-depressants. Hard times that now were only memories and a lot of learning. So moments passes by as clean up my face. Then I remember about my college friends who are already married, and what said to them hours before:

-       You know, I believe it must be so much easier to be you, I mean you’re already married, so that means the hunt is over. And you already have a man, no need to be desperate.

They did not argue or disagreed, as well as they did not agree. The next day I have a full day, actually a day full of doctors (I love doctors; I wish one of them would my boyfriend or even more, my hubbie).

The reason for that was: to be a gorgeous, thin, sexy, healthy and all worked up young woman that had  5 feet 8 and weighed  50 quilos, you needed to have doctors all around for quite some time, not only doctors but some professionals that were essential for my day-by-day.

I mean dermatologist, ophthalmologist, nutritionist, physiotherapist, orthopedist, acupuncturist, yoga trainer, gym trainer, dentist, and of course a therapist.

It was obvious that the only reason I do all that was because my daddy could afford it. It was like everything, my daddy could afford: my car, my house, my bills (credit card, phone), restaurants, trips, and my doctors. I was sick of that, but what could I do, get a rich husband? I was planning and trying to.

Besides all that, my daddy was going to pay for something else too, my acting career. ‘Cause he knew that even after I start to receive my salaries it wouldn’t be enough to support the life I was used to. And he pitied me.

Smile dammit! I said to myself, always keep smiling, never stop smiling. People will notice, people always notices these stuff. Hide everything that you're felling and just smile. It did not work out, as you imagined.

Felicia, social columnist

The month of February of the year 2006 seemed to have come with a much greater euphoria in the lives of people who lived in São Paulo than to any of other Brazilians. The country's largest city had been contemplated with a  scandal that stamped the covers of almost all  weekly magazines. Which was daily in the newspapers  always with some kind of errata corrected or some last minute press hole. Which was discussed in the various editions of the television news, and at the moment was taked through social networks always with some suspicion or gossip and lies about an the event of teh year that couldn't had been more ironic, given the circumstances. The uproar was over the death of the largest and most ruthless social columnist from São Paulo, Felicia Tiger.
Felicia was known to make no bo​nes ​in time to tear down or to exalt the rich and pseudo celebrities circulating the light paths of the urban night. As Felicia loved to expose a well hidden secret involving some new rich, or former rich, she liked even more the power to threaten and earn greenbacks in exchange of the promise of her dubious silence, which she always found some way or another, to circumvent the promise and make the guilt of her false testimony fall upon some poor victim. Usually some newly formed journalist  trying to make the higher news, but had the unfortunate fate (or no chance most likely) of falling down into the clutches of Felicia, with no turn back.
Regardless of her brutal ways of working , she always managed to keep alive and well lit the flame that was in her name. At no time in the past ten years she had been the least afraid of maybe putting herself  in a black hole so large that she would never escape. Because she had already beaten the quota with the amount of times she had paid the price in previous years all lived in the expense of small newspapers with no name who paid a measly amount of money per some article of lots of words .
This period , that the media commented in the lightning published biographies about Felicia, was now known as the period that had actually created the figure well known  today as the Queen of gossip . The truth was that only few knew what Felicia felt in that remote period of her life, when her concern was "writing to have something to eat", and even with all the teams of well-trained reporters that the city had, those lightning published biographies were still far from the essential truth of what had happened before the last decade and in the last few weeks that lead up to Felicias death .

Love

The truth is I love you, yes I still do. And the inexplicable is: why? Why did I one day, and why do I still do.  Love is exactly that corny and cheesy thing everyone talks about like it has no explanation or deduction, it simply is the most unreliable phenomena that exist.

You were my first love, and if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have known the basics of being in love. For that I’m thankful of you. But still it gets me:  how you did it? How did you steel my heart and feelings for just under me?  And what is the magic power you have that makes it come again over and over, without counting the years that has pass by. I wish I knew, oh boy I wish I knew. But there’s something I’m sure no one talks about when it comes to love, simply because they are too afraid to deal with it.

 When you are in love you are already with your heart broken, because once love comes to exist it takes away from you a part of you, a part of heart (which is exactly that part that makes you in control) making it already in two pieces. Once is that way, you know that is only a matter of time till is shattered into a million pieces. Rather is for more or less time. And that’s why every time the person who owns your heart goes away, you get desperate. Is a part of you leaving your inside circle.

 Still, you already did that to me and more, I already had the shattered heart. So how come I still want more and more of you. How do we do to come above that? We survive? Yes that of course we do.

But there’s always that little part from the shattered heart, that now is healed, that stays there to remind you of what that love once was.

Right now my one is screaming out loud, out of my control again. 

Love and Literature

I once had an incredibly intelligent literature teacher, that always when she came to teach and talk to us about love she first asked:

My darlings, have you already been in love?

At first I was way too shy, and just stood quiet in my eternal silence waiting for her to give me the answer. But years passed, and I still listened to that same question made by the same person. Till one day I decided that: yes, I already had been in love. If what I felt till then was real, for me it was love. So I can now answer the question and fulfill my teacher’s doubts. So I raised my hand before everyone very agitated, and answered very loudly so that everyone could see that I was finally answering too! And said: YES! With all the letters strongly YES!!

Truth was I hadn’t; even though I answered that question a lot, repeatedly yes.

And I only got to know that I was wrong, I year after the last time she asked me. When I truly discovered what love was. And guess what: we don’t see it coming! We only know we already been in love after it has already turned you and your world upside down.

And then I knew that the answer to that question should never ever be said in enthusiasm, and for sure with inspiration, fatigue, contemplation, that faces with both time a million expressions and no expression at all, and that profound thoughtfulness, lost inside the mind of the lovers, that endless doubt that comes among the one who loves, or that once did.

For now I am grateful for having known what love is, but it was a hell of an adventure. That roller coaster that you ride with your eyes shut. Fearing what comes next and never having the smallest clue of what it is.

Only one thing more, Teacher I had no idea what was coming for me, but I’m for sure that you knew, both: That I hadn’t been in love yet at the time, at it was coming, it was so close I had no idea! That it was just around the corner waiting for me.

And that’s for those of you who don’t believe that destiny exists.