Prologue

Year after year, thousands of Brazilians go to the United States in search of two things: money and stability; often leaving behind something very important for life: happiness. Fifteen years ago my mother was one of those disillusioned poor immigrants who leave the tropical country blessed by God in search of the American dream.

Once you are in the land of Uncle Sam everything changes. The perspectives, the dreams, the desires, everything becomes real. The enchanted world that existed only in the imagination is now intelligible. And from then on the return to the roots becomes increasingly deferrable.

And for my mother it really only happened three years later, but not willingly, but by a reason stronger and bigger than any other force in the universe: a mother's love, for that she left the US behind together with an American husband, her apartment, her work, the life she had built, the friends she had, our aunt who had come along with us, money, and everything else and crossed an ocean to find me.

At the time I had no idea of the sacrifice by which she had passed to have me back, but now I can see well enough that no one else ever did greater proof of love for me, and it's likely that no one else will ever do.

  But it was not here exactly that the story began, started some time before, to tell the truth I do not really know when it started, but I have a small amount of tales passed down through time by word of mouth in my two large, giant and enormous families that I own, which every day more and more makes me to put together the pieces of a real life puzzle. There are many versions, with passages in my hometown, the islands around it, Rio de Janeiro, the Strait of Gibraltar, Cairo, the French Riviera, and of course Miami.

But that makes me wonder, does all these passages of my life story has a direct influence on who I am and where I am today? I could not reach so far an absolute truth, but where I find myself now I can see quite clearly that there is only one trick to try to get closer and closer to that truth. It’s to keep moving regardless of the obstacles and keep ahead to see what else life will bring to light.

So come on, let's go back in time toward the 2005 first, and then go ever deeper into the many twists that will appear.

Mohana

- Damm it – she said as she hurried fast  through the kitchen all dressed up in black, with a big Victor Hugo bag full of stuff, a handbook at the other side (where she kept all her personal ideas), boots with hills, and a Tommy Hilfiger  silver watch. Those clothes looked a lot warm for the weather it was making, she took off her glasses and continued – We’ve a problem?

- What?! – Daddy responded worried sick almost dropping from his hand the cup of coffee he was drinking. He was sitting right beside me in the kitchens coffee table, we were having a sort of a brunch or a middle of the morning snack, it was nearly eleven AM.

- Our pony! It’s eating up everything in the garden. And when I say everything I mean all of it! It’s a disaster.

- Oh calm down Mohana, I believe it must no such big problem as you say. – My dad said in his own particular way of being always distressed. I never knew how he managed to act that way (but he always did), principally with his wife Mohana. 

- No such problem?! Are you out of your mind? My roses and my flowers! Besides what would the girls think if they know what’s on their pony’s belly? – She said waving her hands up and down and round and round very instable. She had already dropped the purse at the chair by my side, but hadn’t yet talked to me, and yes she had noticed I was there.

- Look, it’s an animal, its nature just as the plants. – Thinking he had said a phrase that would won the Nobel prize.

- I’ll tell one thing Ernesto, and one thing only. Take care of it immediately. I want my garden back! – Pointing very closely to his face and with lot anger, I think?

- I’ll do what I can. – solving everything

- No! You must do even the impossible. Do you know how tiring it was like to organize the whole dammed thing? – With a very reckless voice.

- God, you altered…

- And only now that you notice! – She quitted the kitchen leaving her belongings behind and marching upstairs to her bedroom where I guess she would cry a little until she would be more calmed and acceptable to be around other people.

I stared and stared, and could only keep staring. There’s wasn’t much to say actually. Their problem almost did not exist, they we’re creating something where there was really nothing. Even better my step mom was creating, and my dad went with it. Of course the pony hadn’t eaten everything up, it just wasn’t possible. But she was desperate to see one little bush of flowers destroyed at the crack of down in our family country house.

I had never been there before, I Knew there was a pool (I already had one at home, which I and everyone one else at the house almost never used it), the so spoken garden, the yard, the sports square (another thing we had on the condominium, also I never practice sports, I was managing to start tennis this year, but hadn’t yet started. On top of it I mostly wanted ‘cause of the glamour that involved practicing that sport), the lake, the space, the wind, the calmness away from the city, another thing I thought we already had on the condominium.

But even thought all of this knowledge I had about one other property of my dad’s I’ve need been there! I guess partly I could be explained by the fact that the things that had there they maybe seduce me to go; I could have at his house. I barely even came to his house too.

He wished, and sometimes imagined that I had already known the place. That wasn’t true, but I think what he was trying to do was, thinking of me in the spot to tell his own brain I had already been there and we had no problem about that; Given the fact that for him it was a problem not knowing your own dad’s space.

Willpower to be Good

There are times that I feel a lack of motivation even to keep living. Like last Wednesday night when my teacher told me I used to be such a nice student, so intelligent, intellectual and so full of grace. The only answer that I had the slightest capacity to give was: to be good is something that consumes a lot of the human being, is something which requires a lot of dedication and a lot of time to be invested.

Just as the willpower,  is something difficult to achieve and must be very pursued in order to be an action finalized. Who wants to be good needs to desire a lot to be good, with all existing energy in your inside self (sometimes up to more than that).

Other times we need to suck energy from external means so we can get to the final stretch of our goal. We need to focus and always think of tomorrow in both positive and in negative sides. The positive to get an idea of ​​the future we want to achieve and the negative to remember what we're running away from. But this view of the inferior pole should never let ourselves be discouraged (neither it nor any other factor), on the contrary should be a driving force and must help us when we need it most, in other words: in the times we are thinking about quitting.

With this all I came to the conclusion that being good is something for those who really and truly wants, not just anyone. For those who have focus even in the most profound part of their soul.

To be good gets to the point of being grueling, exhausting and draining.  Leading to the idea that here and there we don't want to be good for our own personal reasons. I'm at a stage in which I seek  forces to return being good and get back on track; it’s a complicated and painful path if you wanna know. But I'm struggling with it until I get on top. So enough about me, what about you? Do you want to be good today?

At counselling

Louis you behave like this because you want to restore what you have lost, but the truth is that you haven’t lost. You just need to find your place as a child, which is still not very clear for you yet.

She was absolutely right, in fact it was more than that, I didn’t had the slightest idea of ​​which was my place. I just thought I should always come first in any occasion, place, event, situation, etc. All this ‘cause I saw myself as the firstborn, the heir, the prince, the son, the prodigal son, and why not the dearest, most beloved. But of course I was not ahead of anyone! And now I saw that if I wanted to take at least my merely place I would have to divide my father. And that was the best I could do, since my previous selfishness had not taken me anywhere. Now let’s go back to the reason that brought me to this answer, the list. Yes, the list of all those whom I was interested and in which had been made very clear that I had a pattern: the committed ones, at least 80% of the list was that way. And I was not ashamed to tell that.

The explanation she gave me: I had suffered a loss too soon, ‘my father's’, thing is I did not had truly lost him. But that was the feeling, plus the vision of being replaced by a new family and to see a third party in relation to my father enjoy all that until that point was given to me and to my mother by right. The frustration came as increasingly there were ostentation of all goods of consume they had within the reach of hands while for me was getting farther and farther and to my mother, more too nonexistent. Years passed and that emotional charge that I had lost the first man I loved for someone who had appeared later in the history only increased and consumed me completely.

 After my puberty years it was obvious to me that henceforth it was my turn to win and I was carrying that decision with me to the chest. What happens is that, the sensation that I looked for with my father of ‘I wanna be the one’ I took to my romantic relationships. And the more the situation that I chose to get involved seemed complicated, the more I wanted it (instead of backing off).

Because what I was aiming for behind was an end that I created in my playfulness, it would be the living proof that I was finally the loved one, someone's preference. To which I saw as my father had not given me as a child. It was not that I wanted to be my stepmother. No, never that. What happened was that I wanted to play a role in which I could see my importance. The way how she got what she got was easy, and with a very unaware unconscious, I went ahead and tried a few times to fit in somewhere that I felt that I could be the preference.

 Before this discovery, all I knew was that I wanted more than anything to feel how it was like when someone falls for you, which I never got and I'm still on the way of maybe someday getting it. In my immature view I saw no best sensation than to be the one. It had to be of all the sensations the best possible, also the feeling of real possession of what you most want, that real concrete and palpable possession of an object of affection that nobody could take away from you (from me). But it’s on this exaggeration that the error occurs, and we undergo it, to learn it right.

All relationships are uncertain, and everything can turn upside down in a sudden. That was kind of what happened yesterday; of course it all had to do with waaaay lot of EXPECTATIONS! If they did not exist there would be no “hitting hard” in the end of the slump. But also not to have them would mean not to have the excitement of the beginning and the middle. In other words they are one double-edged sword, as there is no way to have them without getting hurt, or love without having them. The only comfort I find in all this is that all the suffering turns into maturity and growth in the best way possible.

 Forward if you are smart and know how to use the learning you will only repeat the dose if you want to. Because I can’t believe that ingenuity extends beyond this point. Afterwards you’ll have a better preparation and even a protection barrier against the same mistakes. And this is all part of life...

Getting home

Entering the condominium at that time of the morning, with the feelings I was dealing with, the things i was imagining, my memories, and of course listening to "Mrs. Robson", I've began to feel like as in the "rumour has it" movie once again. And as i passed every single house of perfect family hidden by the perfect porches and fenced of every single milionaire construction i once more started wondering about the secrets my family maybe was hidding.  Three hours of sleep, that was all that i had managed to do that night. The pool i believe would be very refreshing, for the body and  for the thoughts. That sensation i had last night was horrible, i spent more than an hour in my bed just lying down trying to think what to do with myself and how to be usefull. But no, the tought and I were uselless. I couldn't do a thing at this exact moment, I was numbed. My daddys reception was as cheerfull as I expected it to be. He asked me how I was as usual. But i did not anwsered as usual, I said: oh you know same ow same ow, just a little hart broken, i'm going to lay myself down by the pool and I'm going to stay there till I'm better. Nothing to worry about, I've already dealed with this before. Even tought he wasn't conviced by me. But still let me go. It was actually surprising to see my dad at home today. He was travelling just until last night. As well he was suprised to see me, after all I was the one that had appeared unannounced. When I arrived they were having breakfast, I joined them. My stepmom seemed thrilled to see that i was unwell. As they were already eating as i entered, she finished her meal very quickly from my perception. And the maid went to do someother thing elsewhere in  the house. Leaving me alone to my father, which made me very nervous and with belly pain. He did not insisted in anything assuming by my face that the story i had to tell wasn't pleansant. 

Awake at the pool

Oh God, I had fallen asleep even with the scorching sun! It was not for less, I had only slept three hours the night before. I looked at the clock: almost 11:30 in the morning. Need to shower, as I get up slowly completely dazed little by little I remember the dream I had during my heavy and short nap in the sun mat, I was talking to myself about what I was feeling, quite a lot more things had been better explained, although I still did not know what to do about to the next days that were up to come. A joy and splendid happiness improved my inner self. I no longer was nervous as in the early morning, but until when it was going to last? I hope it would stretch enough. Now please shampoo, my hair was so chlorine.

Pool and stepmother

Oh scorching sun, it was already on the verge of 10 am and I was stretched like an enormous crocodile at the poolside for nearly 3 hours. My father had gone to class shortly after I arrived. So far I hadn’t managed yet to meditate, only to suffer a little longer. Much less figure out what I was going to do from now on. So I had decided that I was going to dive into the pool after another 10 minutes sunning at my back and after my shower I would watch the DVD of ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ that I found out that my sister had. Of course I would remember Renan, he was the one that had told me to watch the film. And of course I'd keep feeling bad later, it was a drama for Christ sakes. At this moment my stepmother came out of the house wearing Dior glasses, Carmen Steffens shoes, Gucci purse and her driver. But she had wet hair, like who does that!

Mom and my afflictions

Mom didn't understood me right away. As usual she had one of her screaming breakdowns telling me what should I do with my life (this was so cindy lauper). Far most I was going to spend the very next day at my dad's, by the pool trying to read a little bit more, diggest my feellings and of course trying to fell better. Of one thing I was certain, I could count on  my dad for companionship, just not with some subjects (this one not particularly). But my mother, I expected her to get it immediatly. As you may see,  what really happened was that she said things like: - this is not acceptable, you just spend your hole day out, how can a boy your age can be so full of hurt. Was it I that hurted you so badly? Anyway what is your problem? Go study, get a job, go to work, get your own money, do something with your fucking life, try harder on getting to be somebody, stop depending on your father for once.                      
What she simply meant was for me to get a life. But what she said , and the way she said it was only  more hurtfull.    
 And no she did not stopped at that point, she said things like: all you do is complain the hole day long about your life and the people on it as if I was as bad as a  person as you say I am. 
Oh god i'm looking  forward for that pool tomorrow. 

Daddy and relationships

What do you talk about the days that you are going through a hard time with the man to whom you owe more respect in the hole world and whom you love most above all others? Philosophy? The meaning of life? The cosmos of the universe? God, the Higher force? No, I didn’t want to talk any of the above, in fact what I wanted to talk about were about relationships and why sometimes they hurt so much.

Friends and heart break

For me it was funny, and at the same time i was enormously gratefull for it, that for some time now always when i 'm going through a break up and my friends got to know about it, they would immeadiatly go after me and ask me things, in a very worried way, like how i was emotionally. I could see by the look in their faces that they did not wanted me feeling like I was. The worried even more about me ' cause of the kind of trouble I've already put them through. And believe me it had been far worse. But the funny part was the quiet desperation they felt in front of me begging to please don't let this happen again, it was hard enough helping the last time it did happened. Honestly i felt sorry for them, but what could I do. Stop trying to be in romantic relationships? That woul be even sadder for me and my self esteem! 

Daddy and therapy

Yesterday at my therapy session my therapist asked me what would i say to my father if he  was exactly in front of me at that exact same time. And I said: I would tell  him not to worry and that his prodigle son was yet to return very soon. Sooner than he expected. 

Missing you

I'm thinking about sending you an e-mail; asking: - please come back to my life. Please enter my daily routine again, I really miss you and also I miss our talks, our kisses, our hugs, your smell, your soft hair, your soft skin, your soft voice, your green eyes, your honesty, your passion, your ideas full of feelings, your grand hands that fulfilled mine, your presence by my side, your personality full of joy, your tears.

Oh your tears, I had once seen them and loved to see as they fall down. And also your delightful laugh. I guess that this written way would be a little easier for you to know that I want you with me; and I want that I want you to be mine. Now that is was all up to you, once I'm showing how much I’m devoted.

I guess that deep down you already know this but, as well you're also feeling this, only that it's for someone else. Even though I don't blame you, in fact you know who I blame from the very beginning to be stopping us to be together. What could I do at this point? Wait for an answer? You told me not to do that. I have a little hope that this isn’t over yet. But on top of it I knew that for an actual comeback I would have to wait at least a little while.

I wish you could see me as I am right now, in one if my darkest moment: Middle of the night thinking about you and helplessly trying to sleep. This will work out eventually, for better or for not so well. But it will, and when I say that, I'm sure of it.

Anger

I arrived at home feeling terrible. I didn't know what I wanted. To cry, to sleep, to scream or hit someone in the face the make easier my pain. I was angry, oh yes I was angry. How could he had such a thing. Calling me like that over my best friends phone! Like I didn't knew it was him. 

Daddy Can You Hear Me

Daddy can you hear me? I'm desperate. And we only will get through this if we work together, or else it wont be done. Daddy I'm only sending you this to tell you that you're the greatest father I could had had in all world. You're the one who sacrifice yourself and your time of leisure each and every day to work (hardly) in a job that you put your life in high danger by every moment. And you do that to maintain the family you chosen to yourself as the best you can. For that I'm eternally gratefull and never in my life I'll find a way to pay you back. So as life goes on and turns itself, and as time passes I see that you're that strong rock I can relly on that people say so much about. A foundation I can count on with my blind eyes. A support so trustfull neither I could imagine as much. This is why I'm here to tell you thank you for being as wonderful as you are and for having done everything you did for me.
To you I owe higher respect than to any other, and to you I'll be devoted until the day I die. because you always come first with me even before I was born, in this relationship no one else can interfere or menace. It just wont stand a chance, neither the slightest with our bond.
Daddy I love you. I hope you know that in your heart everyday as you woke up, because that's how I fell about you and I never had the chance before to tell yout that the way I wanted. As write this my tears wet the keyboard, but for you I would cry until my eyes start bleeding and my hole system colapses.
This night I was worried the hole time long, and no one nor me knew what was the matter. Now I see what was causing my quiet desperation. It's the need of you each and every moment that I breath. Our distance may seem that only drive us apart, but it's exactly the opposite it makes us stronger. So that makes me wonder: what went wrong? I believe nothing really... maybe I just needed to tell you that, cristal clear.