At counselling

Louis you behave like this because you want to restore what you have lost, but the truth is that you haven’t lost. You just need to find your place as a child, which is still not very clear for you yet.

She was absolutely right, in fact it was more than that, I didn’t had the slightest idea of ​​which was my place. I just thought I should always come first in any occasion, place, event, situation, etc. All this ‘cause I saw myself as the firstborn, the heir, the prince, the son, the prodigal son, and why not the dearest, most beloved. But of course I was not ahead of anyone! And now I saw that if I wanted to take at least my merely place I would have to divide my father. And that was the best I could do, since my previous selfishness had not taken me anywhere. Now let’s go back to the reason that brought me to this answer, the list. Yes, the list of all those whom I was interested and in which had been made very clear that I had a pattern: the committed ones, at least 80% of the list was that way. And I was not ashamed to tell that.

The explanation she gave me: I had suffered a loss too soon, ‘my father's’, thing is I did not had truly lost him. But that was the feeling, plus the vision of being replaced by a new family and to see a third party in relation to my father enjoy all that until that point was given to me and to my mother by right. The frustration came as increasingly there were ostentation of all goods of consume they had within the reach of hands while for me was getting farther and farther and to my mother, more too nonexistent. Years passed and that emotional charge that I had lost the first man I loved for someone who had appeared later in the history only increased and consumed me completely.

 After my puberty years it was obvious to me that henceforth it was my turn to win and I was carrying that decision with me to the chest. What happens is that, the sensation that I looked for with my father of ‘I wanna be the one’ I took to my romantic relationships. And the more the situation that I chose to get involved seemed complicated, the more I wanted it (instead of backing off).

Because what I was aiming for behind was an end that I created in my playfulness, it would be the living proof that I was finally the loved one, someone's preference. To which I saw as my father had not given me as a child. It was not that I wanted to be my stepmother. No, never that. What happened was that I wanted to play a role in which I could see my importance. The way how she got what she got was easy, and with a very unaware unconscious, I went ahead and tried a few times to fit in somewhere that I felt that I could be the preference.

 Before this discovery, all I knew was that I wanted more than anything to feel how it was like when someone falls for you, which I never got and I'm still on the way of maybe someday getting it. In my immature view I saw no best sensation than to be the one. It had to be of all the sensations the best possible, also the feeling of real possession of what you most want, that real concrete and palpable possession of an object of affection that nobody could take away from you (from me). But it’s on this exaggeration that the error occurs, and we undergo it, to learn it right.

All relationships are uncertain, and everything can turn upside down in a sudden. That was kind of what happened yesterday; of course it all had to do with waaaay lot of EXPECTATIONS! If they did not exist there would be no “hitting hard” in the end of the slump. But also not to have them would mean not to have the excitement of the beginning and the middle. In other words they are one double-edged sword, as there is no way to have them without getting hurt, or love without having them. The only comfort I find in all this is that all the suffering turns into maturity and growth in the best way possible.

 Forward if you are smart and know how to use the learning you will only repeat the dose if you want to. Because I can’t believe that ingenuity extends beyond this point. Afterwards you’ll have a better preparation and even a protection barrier against the same mistakes. And this is all part of life...